2004-03-17 - 6:32 p.m.
I met a really interesting woman this week. In some ways she reminded me of myself. Outwardly strong and unwilling to take any amount of bullshit. But on the inside she's soft and frightened. She doesn't let anyone see the vulnerable little girl inside of her that's always wanted nothing more than a real family to call her own. Her name is Mary, a 20 year old mother of a year old little girl. I see her wanting to push all of her stregnth and all of her love into her little girl but she does not know how. Mary herself was never given the love or attention she needed.
Mary is a product of the foster care system. Since her birth she has been passed around to one family after another where she was treated as more of a temporary visitor. To her no one has ever loved her or cared about her enough. The one woman that did care for her and took care of her died of cancer. To Mary holding on to anyone or anything is setting yourself up for disappointment and rejection. All her life she learned that the second she became comfortable or complacent her life would be taken away from her. During our visit with each other she confessed her biggest fear to me. Mary often has nightmares that someone or something will take her daughter away from her. Although she loves her child more than her own life, she is afraid to love her because she may be taken away.
I observed her a lot and listened to the things she didn't say just as much as the things she did. Mary still has a relationship with the father of her child although purely sexual. They fight and argue, they fuck and then he leaves money for his daughter. The father of her child was her first sex partner. She always envisioned him finally giving her the family she wanted. Instead he is a drug dealer that sleeps around and is on his way to prison. It's not the life she ever thought about having.
Mary has not had a lot of sexual partners but insists that she is a nympho. She has sex with men because she likes the feeling and wants none of the emotion. These men make her feel like a queen for the five or ten minutes that they are inside her and she has total control. She is giving them pleasure and she can take it away as she usually does.
When she first had her child it was difficult for her to decide if she liked her or not. This was difficult partially because she views children as a death sentence. Her life as she knew it and planned it is over.
I feel sorry for her and scared for her at the same time. I know that she won't let anyone hurt her or her daughter. But she hurts herself everyday. Its hard to let go of the past, believe me I've tried. But everday that she revels in it the harder it becomes for her to move on. There is so much anger and hate inside of her that it makes this beautiful woman seem unattractive and old before her time.
I understand Mary. I never had half of the issues that she does and I was never passed around because no one wanted me. I always had somewhere to go. But it was never the family I pictured. And so in my adult life I have resorted to playing house with anyone that will let me.
Pray for the Mary's out there. Pray for healing and understanding. Understanding not just from them for the world, but from the world for them.
