2003-12-06 - 12:29 a.m.
I love my walks. They give me the chance to clear my thoughts and focus. Many times when I am walking I can only think about one thing at a time. I don't have the barrage of thoughts freely flowing and clouding my perception.
Today while walking home from work I thought about God. Brace yourself people this one can get deep if you let it. Why should God answer any of our prayers? I mean he's got people the world over talking his ear off. Why should our voice be heard over any of the others. If you say, "Because I am one of his most devout believers and I am a good person." Then you are disillusioned. No one is perfect. And I can bet any one of those people that would respond that way that I can find someone more devout and who prays harder and more. Now I don't deny the existence of a benevolent God. I trust and hope with all my heart that there is one. But for every win, someone else has to lose. Why should you win this time? Why should someone else have to lose to fulfill your selfish needs?
I pray everyday. I think that God has granted my prayers many times and I am grateful for every single one of those blessings. But I keep asking for more. I'm greedy. It's human nature to want more, the more he gives you. If I had my way I'd have my law school apps done and already be accepted to IU. I would get a raise at work so that I could have a more comfortable living. Not only would I be with the one I want to be with but so would my roommates. They would be happy. My mother would have someone there helping her and wouldn't have to feel like shes alone.
Yeah there is the whole thing of, what if my personal prayers don't effect someone else? Well they will. Everything we do effects someone else. There's a ripple effect in everything we do. We cant fart without it somehow effecting someone else. Be careful what you wish for or pray for because someone else has to lose so that you can gain. Someone else won't get that promotion and they may need it more. Someone else may not meet that special someone and spend thier life alone and miserable when you wont appreciate him. This is real people.
I'm going to stop praying for myself. I have to start praying for everyone else. My personal needs will fall into place if I do the things I need to. And if they don't then I need to make sure I have a back-up plan. As for my friends and family I pray for your healing. I pray for your blessing. I pray that you see the sunshine tomorrow and rejoice that there is a new day. I pray that you don't have to be alone. I pray that you have enough money to make it to the next pay check. I pray that you get that little something you need or have had your eye on.
And this is what goes through my mind. These are my inner thoughts. Yeah I'm becoming heavy on this thing. But I'm turning introspective.
Pray for my sanity and I'll pray for yours. There's a higher power. There has to be something bigger than us. And in Its largeness we will never understand it and cannot explain it with words. There is a spirit that each of us shares a part of. To me that is God. And I pray that that God, that Spirit speaks to your heart and mine. I pray that it releases all mental, physical, emotional and spiritual disappointment you may have. I pray that It enriches your life. I'm not saying go to church. If you know me you know I don't believe in organized religion. But I do believe we have to answer for this life, I do believe there is a Spirit that guides us. I do believe that we can will that Spirit to help us out and give us a little nudge. Pray people. Just pray.
And boo I'm praying for you the most. Not for you to come back to me. But for you to be successful in every endeavor you may put your mind to. For healing of past wounds, and future trespasses. I pray that you are happy. What I love in you is your ability to fly over every hurtle that has been placed in your way. And though you may stub your toe on them you keep going. And I love that in you. I love your ambition and all the things that have been through to make you who you are.
Momma I pray that you know I love you. I pray that you know youre never alone. I pray that you know God has prepared a place for you in heaven that is a mansion. You've earned it. Everything I do, I do it trying to be more like you, trying to be just as strong. I pray that you are happy.
Ann I pray that you find happiness and a way to let go of all the bitterness and disappointment. Believe me I understand. And I pray that one day we both can let it all go.
Ragen I pray for your independence. I like what I see in you. Youve grown so much since Ive known you. I pray you know youre beautiful and that you find that man that will be happy with you and that man that you know your grandfather would have approved of.
Marc, I pray that you and Jill have a happy and long life together. I pray for your children that they will be happy and never have to go through the things we did. I pray for a blessing on your house.
Aight I'm done.
