2003-01-27 - 10:57 p.m.
So I'm laying everything on the table. Names have been changed to protect the innocent although there are no one mentioned here is innocent. There's been a lot of bullshit going down and I'm none too happy about it. I decided to give up relationships and dating a long time ago. I decided before I had actually stopped dating. I was still talking to "Geraldo" when this happened. Although I had made the decision but I failed to enforce it.
Finals week I gave "Geraldo" head whilst Anthony Corleone sat at my desk. Yes, I gave the guy that was was no longer dating head while the guy that I was falling for was sitting next to us. The next night i was my intention to get it on with Anthony Corleone, however, I did not for reasons such as not wanting to ruin our relationship.
Over semester break I had sex with three men. One of those men was married. I normally am a bottom. Two of these men I topped. The married man I topped while his wife slept in the next room. I don't give a damn. It happened, I did it, the damage is done. The third guy whom I did not top I only gave head to. Technically he doesn't count.
When I returned from break I had relations with "Geraldo". He came over and we were laying in my bed. The only reason I tell this story is because he has a different account of the evening. Therefore I must explain to everyone exactly what happened. There are always three sides to every story, his, mine and the truth. Trust me, my end is closer to the truth. We have discussed it and moved on from it but at the same time it still bothers me that he would tell people what he did. It bothers me because the only reason I became involved with him is because I thought he was different. I thought he was someone I could trust and although I never had real true attraction to him as more than a friend, I hoped that he would be something worth giving a try and someone worth investing my time in. Maybe I gave him more credit than he deserved.
Back to the sex. . . We were laying in my bed cuddled up. I kissed him, he kissed me back. It got hard and heavy and it was something we both wanted. I unzipped his pants and took out his cock. There is no need to glamourize it or make it sound more erotic. I went down on him and he warned me that he had not taken a shower since he had worked out earlier. Sometimes this is a turn off and can be gross but sometimes pheramones and a guys natural scent is an aphrodesiac. Those of you nasty freaky ass bitches out there like myself know what the fuck I am talking about and don't even try to deny it. I gave him head, he gave me head. He climbed on top of me and did what he needed to do. Even now with the bitterness and chilling reality that we can't be adults about what happened, I must admit that it was pretty damn good. When "Geraldo" came he was adorable. Most men make me want to laugh when they reach that moment. When every nerve in their body at once has an electrical charge run through it, normally they make the ugliest faces. Some of them moan in ways that make me grimace and want to chuckle. He got a small grin on his face and just released. The cute part was his asking, "How are you?" Of course post-coitus there is no proper answer to such a question. He then begins to tell me that he feels bad. "Geraldo" says to me, "I have to stop doing things because I'm horny", "I don't know if this makes me slutty, I don't know if this should have happened." Of course this is a great time to think and say these things. After its over, said and done.
We didn't talk for a few days. I knew that that awkwardness between us had arrived. But them a friend tells me that he had spoken with this person. Apparently "Geraldo" told Nick that I had talked him into it and that he didn't want to do it from the start. This excuse may work for women, but for homosexual men that are tops, this is ridiculous bullshit. And seeing as how my mouth only opened to insert his penis, I am not sure when I would have talked him into it. And if i did talk him into it I must be the best piece of ass this side of the Mason-Dixon. No one can make you do something you don't want to. More specifially no one can make a man have sex if he doesn't want to. When I asked this person why he said the things he did, he had no explanation. Other than to say that it probably didn't happen quite the way he said it did.
We discussed it, it was understood where I was coming from and how I felt. At least thats how I thought things were ended.
I met this guy, well actually I became reacquainted with this guy that I had known through a mutual friend. This guy started calling a lot, and gave the impression tht he may have been interested in more than I was. I having already sworn off men saw him as an invasion of my privacy and self-imposed isolation. The plan was to make him a friend. Take him around other people so that he would take interest in someone else. I'm pretty sure he got the picture that I wasn't interested. I didn't have to be mean about it, I didn't go farther with him than I intended so that I could regret it. Nothing of that sort had to transpire and I am glad of that.
This past Saturday, however, something transpired that I did not expect. The gentleman that I decided to have sex with and whom I thought a friendship could thrive with crossed a line. I said nothing to "Geraldo" because if he did not know the rules of friendship then I have no need to teach him. Instead I have need to exclude him from further interaction. "Geraldo" decided that it would be a good idea to hit on and try to get on one of my fraternity brothers and best friends. This treachory will not be tolerated. My fraternity brother had no parts of it and even asked me why it was happening the moment he realized what was going on. I said nothing to the gentleman and simply let him go about his way.
I highly suggest that he learn the proper way to treat people.
My self-imposed relationship exile will stick this time. I have no intentions of lifting it. Its funny, I have gotten so much stronger in the last year. I have grown and I am thankful for all the things in my life that have made me grown and change. I am no longer as soft and easily bruised emotionally as I once was. I am still, however, human. I still get cold when its cold, wanna eat when I'm hungry and miss my mama when she is away. I get tired sometimes, I get weak. I'm not vulnerable. I am not this emotional ball of craziness. My heart doesn't get involved anymore, that doesn't mean though that you can act with total disregard as though I do not exist or matter. Not if you expect to stay in my life. I don't have time for drama in my life. If I see that you are going to create drama or bring it with you, then I have no choice but to eliminate you and be done with it. I spent an entire year letting people control my emotions, ruin my life and make me feel worthless and sometimes less than the dirty beneath thier feet. They were wrong. I am everything you wished you could be. Everything some of you have tried to be and you can't stand how fabulous I am in spite of you and in spite of not being modelesque. I am beautiful and I am happy. I am so glad I got my life together and let you bitches go. You have no idea. Sing it Kina, "I hope your head is filled with the magazines. And on every page you see a big picture of me"
