2002-12-09 - 6:49 a.m.
Does anyone understand how fucking dramatic I am. I can't help myself. It's like in the last two years I have become this raging homo that does crazy shit and runs away with every little thing that happens. I am a psycho bitch. People don't realize this.
And the rules. I wrote them, I know them. I think they are shit. But guess why I think they are shit. Because they are true and right. When you meet him you know. When you hold him it feels right. When the time is right the rules will no longer matter. They go straight out of the window.
I have friends. I am trying to build the relationships with people that are meaningful. There are people you have fun with and people you share your life with. Your life is the ups the down, the fun and the not so fun. The laughter and the tears make up your life. Like Auntie Mame said, "Life is a banquet and some poor souls are starving to death."
Stop starving you fuckers. Go with the full range of emotions. Experience the full range. Every single heartbeat, tear drop, heart ache, smile and fart. SHIT! LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL! I am alive. I am happy. Life fucking sucks and its great. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I forgot to take my prozac.
Ok so just a quick run through. I feel for a boy, decided he was impractical. Not him as a person but a relationship with him. So then I decided to date a friend. We both knew it wasn't right. But shit we were both in the same boat. We got together, got apart. And still we are friends. Why? Because we followed the rules. (JK) I don't know maybe because we can be mature adults about it. The best part of my mini-relationship is that there was no sex. HA. Yeah, me, the slut didn't screw him. So my theory is this. Sex fucks up everything.
NEW RULE!
IF YOU DONT KNOW, DON'T FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!
I know its a little ambiguous. "If I don't know what?" is the question, right? Well see that part is up to you. If you don't know that its going to work out, if you don't know his last name, if you don't know if he likes cranberries, if you don't know if he is still crazy about the guy that seems to be his best friend.
By the mutherfuckin way, a friend suggested that someone doesn't want me to enter a relationship. Kinda a situation similar to what I had with Cap'n Asshole. Think about it. Those of you that have witnessed it, those of you that were there. Just think about it.
Mr. Corleone or Pablo, whoever you are these days (maybe they are the same person just with multiple personality disorder. then again maybe not. then maybe they dont exist.), I back away because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I will fall in love with you. I am afraid that we will cross a line. To you its just a game. To me its my heart. Sometimes I see Jeff so strong in you that I want to bash your face in and run as far away from you as I can. Other times I want you to hold me.
I've never seen you this happy. Be happy with him. I don't want to be the reason that ends. But if he ever hurts you or treats your heart unkind. Just run to the arms of the one who loves you.
I'm alive. Thank you God, I'm alive.
