2002-10-30 - 9:59 p.m.
I don't know how many of you have noticed this but I don't have my own identity. Thats right, I don't have any real identity or personality. I am a combination of all the people in my life. Little bits and pieces of all of thier personalities and idiosyncracies are suddenly wrapped up and packaged in what you see before you.
Most, not all, but most of my catch phrases probably came from somewhere else. My happy sunshine smile is fake. Honestly I am not that bubbly or pleasant. Sometimes I am, but most of the time I am cranky and have a bad attitude. I'm lazy. Although I have tons of ambition, I lack the motivation. Then again maybe I am all these things and more. Maybe I suffer from multiple personality disorder. You have all seen the 3 and many faces of Brandon.
I've been psychoanalyzing myself today. Between naps. I chose to become involved or attracted to the men that I do because I know that either nothing will come of it and I don't have to worry about them hurting me once I am completely dependent. I know that they will do it much sooner than that and that works for me. Its safer that way. That way I know what to expect and I can't expect happiness. I am afraid of happiness. I am afraid of love. Surprised? My Superego won't let me relax and be happy. It wont let me show emotion and it wont let me be myself. For those of you that know and understand psychology you will get this. Because of my childhood I was taught and got backwards messages about the behaviors that should be repressed. Get it yet? Probably not. Because I came from a dysfunctional family it is ingrained in me that I should repress my emotions. Because my parents fought like cats and dogs I am afraid of being destroyed by love.
Do you know what its like to feel like you always have to be a certain way? When you feel like you have to always entertain, be a bitch or be strong for everyone else? What if thats not who I am. What if thats not who I want to be? Then what? I'm sensitive, I'm vulnerable and I'm lonely. I'm surrounded by pople all day everyday that think they know and love me. But I am alone.
Please disregard any statements made above. I am extremely tired and thus probably just being a wierdo. Then again this could be the most honest I have been with you.
I miss Pablo. I haven't seen him in a couple of days. I think he saw my diary, figured out that he is Pablo and didnt like me saying that he reminded me of Cap'n Asshole. Wait I thought I said Pablo didn't exist.
So I had a crazy dream about this guy that I work with and Anthony Corleone the other night. The guy that I work with was nibbling my ear and Anthony Corleone was just watching. I was about to engage in Hibbity Dibbity with both of them until I woke up and realized that I was about to be late for Spanish Class.
FUCK SPANISH!!!!!!!!!!!
