2002-09-16 - 1:22 a.m.
Love, a relationship, do I want either of them? I have spent a lot of time thinking of a relationship as a compromise. A partnership where you contribute to eachother's well being and make eachother happy. You belong to eachother. This is not all together true and certainly not all together false.
Love and a relationship are about freedom. I want to find a man that I love and dares to love me in a way that sets me free. If he loves me for who I am so much so that he allows me to be myself. His love should set me free and help me to become someone else. The real me, my true self.
In the past those that have dared to love me inevitably ended up hurt and broken somehow. I broke them. I showed them what it was to love and I gave them a glimpse of what it was to hate.
As it is now I share myself with every person that walks by me every day. They see my ups and my downs they see the shallow and superficial. What they don't see is locked up and hidden. But loving someone, being in love will grant us both freedom.
Love is giving and wanting to give more. Lust is taking and wanting more. I knew I had fallen out of love with "him" when I started to feel like I no longer had anything to give.
Why philosophical? Why have I been so somber and serious and not my typical whimsical, sarcastic self? I think I am changing. In order for me to have something to give again I must recreate and rebuild. Not an easy process my pretties.
But not to fear, the same bitch will reappear. She just won't be as soft and delicate.
