2002-09-09 - 12:44 a.m.
When you are depressed and you decide to talk to friends about it, do they ever start trying to become equally depressed instead of helping you up? Sometime's when this happens to me I just want to tap them and say, "Hey, I was depressed first bastard!" But that wouldnt be right would it?
So anyway I saw the ex-husband today. I was totally not expecting to see him. It caught me off guard so much that I wasn't able to even hide my facial expression. I must have looked like I had seen a ghost. I was thoroughly shocked and slightly appaled. I hugged him, he asked me to, and it was really weird because I felt nothing. Now to some people that would be a good thing. It made me sad though. I remember when the world was in his eyes and in his arms I felt like I was in heaven. Now I feel nothing. I still love him and I always will. And maybe thats why feeling nothing made me sad. I miss that feeling, I miss him being able to make everything ok. It's funny because before him I had already built my own little world. Suddenly when he came into my life I started building mine with his, maybe even around his. He caused so much damage and destruction and I am a walking wreckage and no one can see it because I try my hardest to hide it.
So now what, do I avoid giving anyone my heart forever? I'm not ready to get over him and move on. I still hurt. I hurt like hell. I'm falling apart on the inside. I'm like the dented cans at the supermarket that you get for half off. Or more like anything you would find in a second hand store.
Do you ever feel like life is a black tie affair and you are a pair of brown socks. Its ok if you can be hidden. But the person wearing you knows you don't match and everyone else knows he's hiding something.
On a lighter note, this was my first weekend working night audit. I worked from 11:15pm to 7:15 am. What kind of bullshit that is, I dont know. Do you know what happens to people that work that shift? They make up games to play with themselves or they sing show tunes. If there are other people in the building, they call them on walkie talkies and use Russian accents. {Russian Accent Ensues} "If you do not return the princess Leya earmuffs to the desk at once I shall take away all your bread and rubles."
Thats it folks. Ive got nothing. (places pretend deck of cards on table)
I really just need a vacation. I think that I need to get away from everyone for a week or weekend.
Oh another lighter note. I caught up with another old classmate today. She told me that one other guy from the class came out of the closet, one of them has constant venereal diseases, one has breast cancer and another apparently is in jail for murder. The murderer was the valedictorian of my 8th grade class. This somehow gave me great pleasure. Some of these bastards thought they were better than me or acted like I wasnt good enough to hang out with them. I do not delight in thier plight in life. Actually I'm quite sorry that things are so miserable for them. But damnit I turned out ok. Im disease free, other than this itching, and I havent murdered anyone. Althought I may have thought about it from time to time.
{end Russian accent}
Felt that was necessary before I said goodbye. This is Brandon signing off at 1 in the am. Good fight, good night folks.
